I feel like a piano key right now

Before I begin, let me reassure you that I love life very much. This past week has been hard on me, though, as I have become acutely aware of my inadequacies and limitations. The worst part is that I have felt quite powerless against my weaknesses. In Notes from Underground, the underground man perfectly explains how I feel: "then, you say, science itself will teach man that in fact he has neither will nor caprice, and never did have any, and that he himself is nothing but a sort of piano key or a sprig in an organ; and that, furthermore, there also exist in the world the laws of nature; so that whatever he does is done not at all according to his own wanting, but of itself, according to the laws of nature." The underground man later questions if mankind really has free will. He uses the example of someone playing the piano. That piano player may say that he is pressing a key with his right hand because he wants to, and that he can play it with his left hand if he really wanted to, but there is actually another factor that goes into his decision-making besides his own free will. This upstream reason exists whether he knows it or not. In fact, if he thinks he is in control, he is stupid. This analysis is exactly how I feel with life at the moment. I feel like I may think that I can choose, and live my life according to plan, but I am actually not making any decisions. I am at the mercy of my motivations, my mood, and chemicals in my body. I feel like I am a piano who is very much at the mercy of other factors to play me.

However, I am almost 100% sure that my "underground man" feelings are only temporary. It is not true that we have no control over our circumstances. Each of us has ups and downs (I am in a down moment in case you can't tell), and we may doubt our free will at times, but we have power to rise above ourselves. In addition to our bodies, each of us has a spirit. This distinction sets us apart from all the animals and any scientific creation. Let me conclude with a quote from Notes: "It seems to me that the meaning of man's life consists in proving to himself every minute that he's a man and not a piano key."